I am writing my last post here in wordpress.

I remember how I ended moving from blogspot to wordpress. It was a long and winding story. For today I decided to put an end to this blog, it doesn’t mean I stopped blogging. The reason why I decided to move this time around is because I felt a change in me. Things that I want to write about no longer matches the content of this blog. I think that when it’s time to move, it’s time to move.

In fact, I have another new blog. It’s a different blog with different style of writing. It will be unveiled by stages.

and thanks, for following me. =)

Everyday I wake up to a confusion. I always want to curl myself to a posture I think the safest for me under that strange blanket on that strange bed. I could never feel the same without that familiar smell from my bed back in my home in Malaysia. There’s nowhere like home.

Everyday I wake up to a confusion. I always revise back my two promises I made to myself before I embark into this journey. I am a person with little patience. I can’t see the result yet at the moment and that is, probably the main reason, that push me to do more, to go further, each day. Even though a lot of time I had to do it by all means.

Two days ago was the only time I had the feeling of going home. The home where I could just lock myself in room and hear only the echo from myself. The place that shelter me from the reality for even just a little moment. The place where I could escape from the reality for a bit until I am strong enough to face them once again.

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I am pretty much happy with the impression I leave to my project members this far. The feedback suggests so.On the other hand, for my other department, communication, I have yet to come to a point where I feel satisfied with my planning and execution. Owing to the fact that this department is so new here in Vietnam, there’s so much to be done, and could be done.

I am still playing my role as the evil. The evil that advocates and extend the limit to which my two teams has never thought of reaching. Been playing an ugly role all this while, but I don’t think I will stop doing this any time soon. Being ambitious is not about being unrealistic. It’s about being open to chances, challenge and I believe that’s where we could improve and grow.

The experience here thus far has surpassed my expectation. Being born to a rebellious soul, living an exotic journey like this is what I want in life. Many of them asked me what’s next to me after this one year in Vietnam. I could never give them a solid answer as I am still trying my very best to balance dreams and desire versus reality and limitations. Anything is possible to me at the moment =)

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Taking a sip on that body of Bailey’s coffee contained in a goblet, everything seems to come to a halt. Conference has just ended few days ago, I am back on getting myself organized. At least I am on the way to.

Bailey’s coffee is itself a contradiction. Bitter sweet, caffeine and alcohol. One that gush the blood into your brain and another slows you down from thinking fast.

Just like me and you at the moment.

Now and then.

Last year, this time. Is where everything begins.

Today, in a place far from home, I am making bold steps towards my future.

Keep looking forward.

Cheers.

Day 4 in Vietnam, 4th night of drinking. It’s been a real drinking craze but I do enjoy the fun. The best drink has to be the red wine that I got a few sips from Rich. I realised I started to appreciate the beauty of wine already.

Still trying my best to fit into this physically and mentally challenging environment. I’ve been adapting well into the this environment. The fact that when I am able to order a French sandwiches in Vietnamese without English, I know I am doing it right. Just that my commitment and demands towards myself has actually decelerated the process of fitting myself in this big pictures. I’ve been pushing myself hard to deliver to my full capacity but I guess I still need to be more focused and smart in getting things done in the most efficient manner.

It was truly a real good sharing from Rich over the forget-the-name bars, about getting into relationship with local Vietnamese girls, about some nightlife of Vietnam, the girls and the business environment. This is pretty true, Vietnamese girls are too cute to be resisted, and most importantly they are just about everywhere. You can get over your temptations with your belief and faith this time but a hundred times of swinging on the watermelon hung on the aire by the blindfolded, you will eventually have something red on the floor.

Of course I am not that shallow about getting some girls over the bars, had a few talk and end up on the bed. It’s truly tempting going to a bar/ club with an identify of an expat. I guess it’s the thing in our wallet that admires them more than any other things else. It’s not something i am looking for, and I will really need something to constant remind me about who I am, what I am doing here in Vietnam, and where I envisioned I’ll be in a few years time.

Day 4 n Vietnam, it’s about learning to live independently in this society that is full of temptations. It’s about learning to be conscious and clear about what I truly want, and what the fucking heck am I doing at every single possible moment. Even the moment I decided to pick up a girl in a random bar.

Third night here in Ho Chi Minh, 3 days of alcohol, now tell me how could I be discipline here?

Things are moving real fast here. I need to accelerate the adaptation period so that I could perform to my capacity. My brain is fried now, after a long-day meeting on the upcoming national conference, a 2 hours pool session and beer. I am all done for today. My goal for tomorrow is to buy that French sandwiches and coffee without using a single English word.

Oh, the coffee here are so different from the one in Malaysia (the Vietnam local coffee beats any Starbucks and Coffee Bean, I can assure you this). It’s so strong and condense. It’s a must-try!

Life can only be understood backward.

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Believe in yourself, no matter where life takes you to. I usually think of the bigger picture, think about the great universe out there, about thecountries I have never been to, about the great people that made our modern society today when I’m down. And I know my way is still long enough for me to walk, to run and to discover. So, leave it behind and keep going k, my peep! (: And this is absolutely notthe end of your AIESEC story. Not at all. As long as you want something so bad and put al your effort, your heart into it, it will work someday. Maybe we have to travel the long way, but that doesn’t matter right? Try your best, dun care about the rest. Life, it is still there for you man!

You can do it. Indeed, you can. Never, never, never ever give it up.

excerpt from the email titled: it’s the climb

AIESEC Singapore MC application 2010 is one hell of an experience. I received an email from a dear friend of mine one day after the election, titled “it’s the climb”. I think I value this email more when I look back, that the will of wanting something so bad and put in all the effort, it works today. I especially like the line where it leads me to think about the great cosmic significance, the people and the world; the everything surrounding us that makes our challenges seemed so minuscule in comparison.

I receive another mail earlier that day, the very early morning when I returned from the night I got all tipsy from that Vodka:

You remember Hannah Montana movie we watched when I came back from K. Selangor? It was a predictable love story with full of cliches, but one thing actually touched my heart – the song called the Climb. When Hannah Montana decided to reveal her real identity as Miley Cyrus and stop lying to everyone. Ever since you decided to run for Singapore MC, it reminded me of you. There are some songs that remind me of people around me –  this song will continue to remind me of you.

You’re going back home now. But don’t forget that you had impact on at least one person (me!), likely many more. I can only say it from my point of view – I really felt inspired and motivated by your decision to follow your dream and courage to take risk. I appreciate that you don’t lose your sense of humour even in the most stressful situations.

excerpt from the email titled:” =) “

This email soothed me a lot from the pain and sorrow of not getting what I really want. That aside, I’ve highlighted the part where I would like to share with anyone who read this post. I learned something from the Pope; something simple yet less practiced by many. It goes:

“I’m not a man who constantly thinks up jokes. But I think it’s very important to be able to see the funny side of life and its joyful dimension and not to take everything too tragically. I’d also say it’s necessary for my ministry. A writer once said that angels can fly because they don’t take themselves too seriously. Maybe we could also fly a bit if we didn’t think we were so important.”
-Pope Benedict XVI-

and I hope you appreciate the essence of this few simple sentences as much as I do.

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This is suppose to be a post to wrap up everything from this busy month of May. But I’ve chosen to start by looking back. Once my friend told me she likes the way I constantly reflects about myself. I don’t really realize it not until she told me about that!

About my great escape, it’s not so big a thing that it could affect everyone around; it’s not so small a thing that I, and maybe some others as well, can forget for years to come. The process of getting appointed is itself a tremendous challenge for me; I believe the process in making this bold step counts and worthwhile is definitely going to be another huge wall for me to flip over.

It’s been, surprisingly, a very unique decision that triggers a lot of thoughts on life for me. I know deep inside me there lies a very rebellious side of me. I have never failed to notice the existence of it, and I had never make a conscious decision to actually answer its’ internal dialogue with me. I know I needed something in between several major events in life; such as the one I am clamped in right now, in between a students and a working professional. Just so I know this upcoming great commitment could possibly be diluting and skewing me away from where my academic background leads me to, I know also it could certainly helps me to find a path where I truly enjoy stepping onto.

I remember Ameen told me this when we were on our way back from a seminar:

The process in which a boy leaves his home to live on his own, is an important events in life to indicate the process of “growing up”

I had never come to this close to appreciate what he said until I got all my legal documents done early last week. Everything is seemingly fast forwarded since then, just so to make me realize I am too late to know that I am actually leaving. By saying leaving, I don’t feel myself is physically being “removed” from this environment that I sat comfortably in for years, but more to I feel that all familiar things around me are leaving me behind and they are soon to be gone. I might be a little meticulous and particular to differentiate these two feelings but trust me, if you could understand me, they are of two different sensations.

No. I am not leaving to a country where all people adores. It doesn’t have the perfect infrastructures in the city that makes every expats feel so easy to live in, nor that it has an environment so secured that personal safety is not an issue to concern. I am leaving to a country where people can easily associate it with napalm and war. It’s also a country known for its’ rich production of rice and coffee, as well as its’ position being one of the fastest growing economy in the South East Asia. It’s a country we call Vietnam.

I am not leaving there for a job that pays me a fortune, nor that I am getting a position so high on top that respect could be earned by flashing the title to everyone.

I need a hurdle in life to intimate me from thinking life is easy and things could be taken for granted. I need a hurdle in life to get me out of my comfort zone both physically and mentally, and make a great escape from being someone ordinary. I need this hurdle to measure my ability to challenge the social norm and status quo of the state of the world today.

It’s not easy. If I could stride through this huge hurdle in front of me, I know in future I could take on a greater amplitude of challenge and able to march towards my ambition.

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Life can only be understood backward. I don’t know where exactly this will lead me to, but I know in future this will be one golden chapter in my life to be penned down.

Wish me a successful journey ahead and let me fly high from this point onwards!

Again a short update from me. I am lying on my stomach – not a very comfortable position to blog.

But that is not the point. The point is, my mind is equally uncomfortable with the happenings around me.

Ever been a situation where the one who appear to you an all-time strong and authority person, broken down (into tears maybe)? That is when you felt things are so vulnerable.

But think in the other way, I actually don’t really like her. So I guess my brother broke up with her girlfriend is not entirely a bad things at all. He has been a real good boy friend to date as I can observe. Spending more than 2 hours each day just to send her home, for instance. Again I am not in a position to comment any more as I am not involved in it.

I am leaving soon. I mean, very soon. I couldn’t let go of my responsibility of teaching my younger brother in his maths. I just felt heavyhearted for this as there will be no second person to teach him when I leave.

Argh, it seems all grayish as I write, I better stop as of now.

There will be a proper post before I leave.

Oh, by the way, I am leaving on this Saturday. To a place where I could give my rebellious soul a solid answer.

9 days more before I leave.

I am sitting exactly in the same table where I look into your eyes and asked you the question that you couldn’t answer.